Merry Christmas to all..It has been a while since I have gotten on here to write.This year has been a ride that is no doubt. We have been so busy like most. I find myself however longing for quieter times and loved one's past. What I wouldn't give to have a home that is surrounded by green trees, grass, and at this time of year a huge window, fireplace and peace with loved ones. I find that my way of celebrating Christmas is one that can not tolerate the commercialism of it all now. I have also figured out what I am willing to tolerate in my own life. I have unconditional love for my loved one's and friends' that will never change. I am tired of making time for other's and then only to find myself wanting when I ask for them to be with me. My heart hurts.
I was told that I am abrasive, well if that means I am not letting someone walk all over me then I guess. However I know I have a big heart, and a loving personality. I am tired of those who want me to put on a make and conform. I am not about to. I am a strong woman and if you can't understand that I am strong because there has yet to be someone who makes me feel safe and that I don't have to always be strong for everyone.
I guess that maybe in my next life maybe I will have that one, my soul mate who will be strong enough for me, Loving enough, courageous enough. Funny thing is the one I have had was a rare jewel and it was wrong timing. I loved and was young and stupid. They moved away when we were young and we lost touch.
I hope in the next life time we will find each other in time.
Good Morning. It has ben a wild year. This last year I decided to go back to school to further my career. I never thought in a million years that I would be where I am today. It's crazy.
Positive out you get positive back, It feels so good, however it is hard to stay positive in a negative world. That much is so true, But if you stay positive even in the darkest of times, good things really do happen. When COVID hit I felt like everyone else, waiting for the bricks to drop, but then I woke up and just one day figured no matter what happened I was going to be ok. We all go through stuff in our lives that makes us feel defeated. However when we step back and grab a hold of the reins we find out that we can change it. It really is up to us to change the way we look at our world.
That is exactly what I did, took the reins and held on, also deciding to not allow people to have any control over me or my happiness was the best thing I have ever done. I know toxic environments, but I don't allow them to control me. It is totally up to us, does it mean I may be perceived as a Bitch probably, but only to those who are looking to control me in one form or another. I am getting ready to turn 50 in a week, I never thought I would be in this place either. I am here and I am going to slay it, not matter how much time I have left, I am going to make it count. I have spoke of my father before, he was a remarkable man. He touched so many in his short life on this earth. I strive to be as he would like me to be, help those young one's that may need a guiding hand.
Go in love for your self and for God. Be the best you that you can be.
Well it's a new year and it had already started off bad. we are still dealing with COVID and the uncertainty of all of our future.
I have only realized the reality of my own future, I also realized I need to make my own trail. for so long I have lived for others' telling what to do when to do it and how to get it done. I am trying to forge my own future, one where I can take care of myself without help. It isn't easy when you have never done it. Yes I have worked, but not making any real money.
Cosmetology doesn't pay the bills unless you kill yourself trying to make it all happen. I want to be able to support myself and the only way it feels like I can do that is if I do whatever is necessary to get the job done. However I am finding I don't have it in me to lower my own beliefs and morals to do so.
We are all struggling to make all this shit work out, But how do we do so when we may have to lower ourselves to achieve what we think we need to survive. My head and heart hurts for so many, including myself.
Suicide seems the easiest way out, I am too much of a coward to end my life. I like living, and just want to be able to live and be happy. However I don't want to live if it means hurting other's around me that I really love.
Most of the time I feel as though I am a disappointment to everyone around me and that I shouldn't even waste the air that I breathe. It would be so much easier if we knew our future.
It has been a while since I have written anything, I guess I didn't feel like I had anything important to say.
This is a bad month for me, it has been many years since my Dad has passed away. 20+. I miss him so very much every year that passes. I feel like I never got the time with him where we could be friends. He was always busy with my brother, and the boy thing. Don't get me wrong I love my brother very much, however I feel like I don't know him any more either. When we were young we used to talk about when we had kids we would be together a lot. Our kids would grow up close like we were.
However life events changed all that, and I feel alone a lot. just me against the world and it hurts. I love my family so very much and it hurts to see just how far apart we have really become. I swear when my father died I think the family did too. My brother went off for his life, and well frankly I know I did the same. I kind of felt like my brother didn't love me anymore, like he was better in this life without me in it.
When COVID hit it really intensified this feeling. Being alone. I could be in a crowded room and feel like I was the only one there. The air being sucked from my lungs. I realized I still love the same as I have always loved, however not everyone else stayed the same. Sometimes I wonder if my Dad loved him more. Like I was just a stain insufficient, and small. I never liked the stuff my brother did, I was never one for sports. I did however submerge myself in music. That was one of my Dad's traits I picked up. He would always play certain music to his moods. I too do this very thing.
I let the music rush over me like water cleansing the soul. My father dies when I was 23, my brother was 27. neither of us got to introduce our kids to their Grandfather, I do try my hardest to keep him alive with stories of growing up. He was a strict Dad when he needed to be and soft and kind when it was called for too. I miss his hugs, where you get swallowed up,and feel like there is no where safer to be. Well because in my very being I believed it was.
My Dad was my protector, my rock, my heart. Since then I have had a daughter and know that I love her so much more then my own life. My Mother found a letter once from my Dad. It wasn't until sometime after he had passed that she had given it to me. I was going through a rough patch, my marriage at the time was dissolving I couldn't stop the attack that was happening before my eyes. We both failed each other. Both of us. I was in no shape to mend it. I had come home for a visit at my mother's request. When I started to read the letter I felt my heart stop like time wasn't moving. It was truly the best part of my life. I had found out horrible things about myself but this letter seemed to let me know that even in death he was there. After I read it I had packed it in my suitcase. ( The letter never made it home with me) Some how it had vanished. Like I wasn't supposed to read it past that day. Funny thing is it was written on the back of a letter that I had written to my father before he died.
I tend to reflect on it often, but now I can not remember what was written on that piece of paper. I cry because I miss him, His Hugs, His Love, His Smile, His laugh, His Dry humor,and most of all him. His voice had faded in my ears I wish I still had some type of recording of him. He used to play the harmonica he was amazing. Self taught couldn't play more then a few songs but man was he proud of those few songs.
I want to ask a very simple request for all or anyone who is reading this, Hold your loved ones very close. This life is very short. Tell those you love you love them every single day don't ever let the sun set on them not knowing your love for them. Have patience, understanding, compassion. Forgive and let go. Carry your heart on your sleeve, and never hold a grudge.
To my family who are reading this, I love you I love you I love you. Even if you hate me I love you. I am sorry for ever hurting anyone, I am sorry for being a disappointment, I am proud of all of you no matter how small your accomplishments you will always be big in my eyes. For those who have overcome obstacles WAY TO GO.. Look at you now.
For all the young adults in the family. Never take growing old too serious, and laugh, sing, dance, and LOVE LOVE LOVE.
Another month has gone and now in July.Virus still running rampant and Fewer people are wearing masks because they are sick of this.It is going to be around for a while.I am not a conspiracy theorist, however those who are getting sick are a lot of people who ignoring the gov. on stay home and got sick.Do I think this is at all not our government doing this to us?Nope I think it is tied to 5G and a couple of other things. I feel government is corrupt.They are finding new way to control us ( cattle ) No race, Color, or gender specific they are coming after us all.
Good Morning: at least here it is still morning.Well this week was a whirl wind kind of week. Ups' and Downs' lots of emotions.All I can say is take this next week and be kind, be kind to yourself, be kind to other's. It doesn't cost anything to just let it happen. If there is garbage in your life, just let it go. Let it go out with the other trash. Watch the garbage truck come and haul it all off.I have had too many people I love at each other's throats. It isn't OK. We need to hold tight to those we love and never let them go. My heart has been broken and I have picked up the pieces that were big enough to put back together. We owe it to our selves and each other to share Love, Peace and Happiness.We need to put away resentment, anger, and let's face it bullshit. It is TOXIC and we just don't need it.So much is going on today, the news is toxic as well. They keep giving us information that is important maybe. They are talking end of days... we should be focusing on the good in people, however sadly there really isn't that much out there. I admit I am not perfect let's face it no one is. However I am working on me, and my little quirks that well frankly drive me crazy as well.I have faith that one day it will just all be small stuff. Nothing in this world is worth your peace.With that said I leave you today with one thing...Love LargeLaugh LoudSing LouderDance and not care who watchesGive completely without judgementSmile, because it makes them wonder.
Well here we are half way through May already It is so hard to believe. Time just goes faster and faster I think I get used to it then the following year goes faster.I have made some changes in my life right now where I am just deciding to be at peace. No matter what is going on in the world, my faith, trust and love is in God. He has my back. I am not about to poop all over his parade. So far it has been a beautiful ride, I see things I was too blind to see before. Blessings... Oh My the blessings. Thank You God for loving me even though I don't deserve any of it.I am pretty sure if my Daddy was alive that he would be pretty proud of me right now. I just wanna enjoy the ride and enjoy my life with my loved ones. If you have something against me well all I can say is I am sorry. If you owe me anything no worries. If you are negative stay in your own hate leave me out of it. I want to spread love and light of our Heavenly Father. I keep hoping that it will be contagious as this dumb virus is. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE It is a wonderful feeling. I love and I am not expecting anything in return.Take a min. in every day look in the mirror and let yourself know how beautiful you are, let the light, peace and love in. You will see a change in yourself and who knows you might even like it.I am loving it.Have patience, Have peace, Give Love, Live Life, Listen to the music of life. Remember everyone is going through something. It may not be as pretty as your life, have love for other's and love will fill your life completely.Love is Music, Love is happiness, Love is the only thing we need more of in this world. Take a time to reach out to those who have no one, the neighbor that is alone. Let's make LOVE contagious.
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Good Afternoon. I thought I knew what to expect today, however Nope.. No clue. No clue what I am doing, No clue as to who I am.I like to think I am a good person (with Flaws) I try to be. I try to be who God wants me to be. Am I though? I am no one special I am me. I knew who I was once, however somewhere along the line I lost her. I have been trying to find her ever since.I hear a lot of people talking about how what is going on in the world is not as big as the media makes it out to be, however I feel different from these people. I tend to take some things too serious, but am I really. When you start to look around how safe are we really? This virus is serious to those who's lives are touched by it. Loosing someone no matter what the cause sucks. As much as I want information so that I can keep my family safe, I just wish it was accurate information. Having a compromised immune system makes me a little crazy at times. The Media isn't helping anyone that is like me either.I want to make good sound decisions however how can any of us do so when the media is spinning it to their benefit. We can not go and stand on sand when we need a rock. With that said God is my Rock. My solid foundation. I trust him completely. I do not trust the word of man. I do not trust that there is a man out there that really has our interest in mind. So with the virus we now have massive Hornets to watch for, along with 5G really who the hell needs 5G? It has been proven to make people sick, and even kill. I am really starting to wonder if they ( The Government ) are trying to do God's job and wean out the gene pool. Why else would they be telling all the immune compromised, Obese, and elderly to stay home. I see what you are doing... Those who stay home can then be targeted. Seriously... What the HELL.I used to be one that didn't give into conspiracy theories, but are they really? from what I have seen they are coming to pass. I still believe that the people need to wake up, we need to stop the government from killing us. Pretty simple.
Well here it is May 2020, honestly I never thought at a young age that I would be looking at this date.With all that is happening in the world, I am still surprised. Never in my life would I have ever thought that I would be living during a pandemic. With that said never did I think we would be going back to work so soon.I go back to the salon on this Sat. May 9th 2020, If I am to be honest I have to say that I am scared to do so a little. I have so much that scares me about this virus, however I am going to do the best I can to protect myself and my family while being out there.We take so much for granted in life and never really think on things till it effects us. Like going to the store and finding all the products that keep our houses clean, and our bodies fed. I really miss having alcohol around for cuts and general cleansing of the skin. Or Wipes to make a clean up in the bathroom quick and easy.OR just the touch of a friend saying hello. I will hopefully never take the simple things in life for granted again.With everything starting to open back up again PLEASE don't forget to keep practicing cleanliness, we were all taught how to do these things when we were little. We need to remember to keep doing them now. Be safe and Love hard.
Good Morning to you all. Today is going to be a sunny HOT day here in AZ.I am so looking forward to May, ok ok it is my birth month. I look at the fact that on the 26th I will be the age my Dad was when he passed. I am so happy that I am so far to this point relatively healthy, healthier than he was. I sit here listening to music I grew up on and it brings me back to the happier times in my life. We had a great family. We always got together for everything and sometimes for nothing at all.Family BBQ's were always my favorite time, the laughing and the love that was present was so peaceful. There were even times our nasty neighbor would call the police on us because either one of us kids stepped on his grass or we were too loud. No matter what the police would show up grab a burger or a hot dog and just say they came by because of the call, and then would leave. Sometimes since my family knew most of the Englewood Police Department it was always nice when they would stop by. I think they liked it to be honest. I always felt bad for the neighbor for being deprived of the family unit like we had. They never had anyone over.Ok so my point today is this. Do you have that one neighbor that is a hermit? Let's all try and spread some cheer especially right now with everything being so ugly. Give them some flowers out of a garden ( Not Theirs) or cookies or just a nice card to say this too will pass. Give a smile, a wave, an air high five.Spread Love and Joy... Hope and the light will always follow.
In today's time it is hard to not reflect on life at times. Today I found myself reflecting on my Dad who passed away at my age 49. He was taken too soon I think, however I am greedy when it comes to the time I ever had with my Dad. We were starting to become close again after so long.So Reflecting on today and this horrible virus. So many are recovering and the media doesn't want to make hope apparently. They only speak of Death. OK.... Here I go.This is serious that I am aware of, I have to say as much as I want my Daddy I am glad that he isn't here to worry, or get this horrible sickness, because I am pretty sure with his health the way it was I know it would have been something he wouldn't have recovered from.My Dad had a great outlook on life. Always even on days that he couldn't even stand to put his feet on the floor from the pain. He would always get out of bed and say" It's A beauty day here in AZ"His outlook made me always realize how blessed we truly were. Just in the simple way of being alive. I try very hard to be more like him, I am in ways, as he was goofy, loving, understanding, protective of his loved ones' and most of the time always put other's ahead of himself.During this time I think I want to challenge not just myself, but you who is actually taking the time to read this.Find something of beauty in your life and focus on that. Enjoy that child that just wants to be with you, even if it is just your inner child. Color in a coloring book, read a silly story, or just go out and play in the water in your yard.. Because It Is A Beauty Day Today. May you be blessed and loved.
